Welcome to the masses of ICLW’ers! Welcome to my corner of the ALI and IF-land hell. My name is Mic, and I’m smack dab in the middle of my first IVF cycle. In fact, I just received news that I will have my ET on Monday … a 5dt. We were “threatened” with a 3dt yesterday afternoon so this is most definitely welcome news.
You can read all about my sordid TTC history right here. The important take-aways in my abbreviated version is that I’ve been TTC for now 19 months. I have 2 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed IUI’s (one was injectibles) and 4 cyst-related cycle cancellations. Oh, and I have Stage 3 Endometriosis. Back in May I had 2 chocolate cysts removed at Du.ke University by a Endo specialist and he said the chances of it coming back were less than 10%. I just found out this past Wednesday at my ER that I didn’t beat the odds – the Endo is back. On my right ovary. My best performer.
So needless to say, I’m scared, upset and just plain confused as to where this leaves me.
This past Wednesday, at our ER, we retrieved 13 eggs. We had 12 fertilize and then yesterday, at our day 2 Fert report, we were told we were “borderline” day 3/5 transfer. I was told it had something to do with the quality of my eggs. This morning I was called and told we were “pushed” to a day 5. I didn’t ask how my embies were doing. I don’t need to know. I have knowledge overload right now. What I do know is that in order for my Embies to have been “pushed” to this day 5 transfer they must have accomplished some amazing feats last night. … or at least that is what I’m going to tell myself.
This whole process has been so emotionally taxing. I know that I need to remain strong for my embies and hold out the hope that this can & will work. Right now, I have very little strength left. I am still hurting from the ER from where my Dr. aggravated my Endo pockets. And for the TMI category, even after enormous amounts of fiber, peanut butter, decaf coffee, apples and apple juice, prunes and Colace I’m very ummmmm well, you know, backed-up … and that hurts too.
So there you have it. This is my story. Welcome.
Today for my day 2 fert report, my RE himself called me. We talked about the pain I experienced post-ER on my right ovary. He said that the pain I had was most likely from what he thought was the Endo. He said he tried “holding” my ovary during the ER and that maybe he should have held it longer and then he apologized for my pain. It still hurts today … just like AF style endo pain hurts. Unfuckingreal. I can’t believe that shit has grown back on rightie in just 6 short months. Poor rightie. My best performer. I don’t want to loose her and I’m really worried.
On to the embryos. We are a borderline day 3 ET right now – which would be tomorrow. I’m waiting on the embryologist to take another look this evening / tomorrow morning and let us know what the deal is. My RE said that they embies look “okay” right now but that 4 are not very healthy. Honestly? I didn’t know what kind of questions to ask and I felt like he was talking in circles way above my head. He knows my intent to have a singleton but he said that based on the quality, we should consider putting 2 back if we transfer tomorrow. He kept repeating over and over something about the “health” of the embryos. Sorry this fert report is so disjointed, I hung up the phone really confused as to what is next. I told him I preferred a single embryo transfer and he said he’d put a note in to the embryologist and let him know my wishes. He said that if we have to transfer tomorrow it’d be a 35% success rate … a lot lower than he’d initially predicted. I guess that has something to do with the health of the embies. As of today’s fert report, I have (6) 2 cell, (3) 3 cell, (2) 4 cell and (1) 5 cell. I’m scheduled for a 2pm transfer tomorrow. They will call me in the morning if I’m cancelled and pushed to a day 5.
… I’m a little sad and confused right now. I feel like I didn’t ask enough questions when I had him on the phone and now I don’t know what to expect. I hate things being thrown at me from left field.
…. can any of the IVF veterans make any suggestions on what I should ask when I get my next call? Sorry … I’m in a little big of a fog.
Oh, and the boobie issue? Much better today, although there are still red stretch marks, they are fading. Must be from the HCG like some of you mentioned! I never had this problem with the Ovidrel but since the IVF trigger is like 4 times stronger it would stand to reason that I could have some weird/wacky stuff.
After a long agonizing wait, I finally got my first fert report this afternoon.
Say hello to the dirty dozen. We have 12 embryos – all at 2 cell stage. I asked if this meant a 5dt and my nurse said absolutely, as long as they continue to divide at the normal rate and fertilize properly. So from the very little I know about IVF, just because I have 12 right now does not mean that I’ll end up with 12 on Day 5, correct? I forgot to ask if they used ICSI or not. That was going to be a gametime decision once the embryologist saw the eggs.
Secondly, I’m in pain. Like lots of pain. My right side hurts like a muther! I discussed this with my nurse and she said it was where the majority of follicles were at so there was a lot of poking around on that side. Holy hell! I’ve been taking the Vicodin every 6 hrs. because without it, I hurt! Badly! I can’t help but think that the right side is also where the Endo was/now possibly is … maybe that poking around has caused the flare up. I’m too tired to deal with the Endo right now. I’ll have to ask more questions after my 2ww is up. I just want to make it thru the transfer.
And another thing. WTF is up with my boobs? I’m not a chesty gal, a C cup on a good day. This morning while in the shower I nearly screamed as I was washing myself. I look down and there are these BIG BRIGHT RED hideous stretch marks all across my boobs. They’re disgusting. Seriously, if you didn’t know better it would look like my boobs had deflated post-breast feeding and this is what was left.
Now I’m no Dr. or anything, however, since I’m embryo less right now and most definitely not preggers, where the hell are these things coming from? They most certainly were not there yesterday (or the day before!) and I’m concerned.
Could this be from the anestesia? Or the Vicodin? Or maybe the Estrogen or Progesterone? I don’t know, but if I’m not pregnant there is no reason to sprout ugly stretch marks on my boobies overnight. So what gives? I’d love some suggestions on this one because it’s a first for me. And a freaky first at that.
Le sigh.
If it’s not one thing it’s another …
I should have never gotten my hopes up about this process.
I know that’s not the opening you would expect from someone 6 hours post ER but that’s the way I feel. I’m ready to bail out on this whole thing right now.
Last night, after the 1,000mg of Antibiotics that were rx’d in preparation for the ER today, I spent with my head in the toilet with ungodly nausea and vomiting. As a last resort, 3 hours after feeling like I was on a horrible see-saw, I relented and took a leftover Zof.ran to calm my stomach. It worked. I should have took it a lot sooner instead of suffering.
We woke at 4am to eat breakfast prior to my 4:45 food cut-off. I was too nervous to eat but was scared of the anesthesia making me even more nauseous so I forced down 2 pieces of dry toast.
We arrived at the main office which houses the surgery center in world-record time and ended up having 3 hours to kill before our appointment time. (Lara/Peanut Noodle: I only live 45 miles from my RE’s satellite office but I have to go to the main location for the ER/ET – it’s 120 miles away… one way … in rush hr. it can and has taken 4 hrs.)
The Mr. hates producing his “sample” in the gross rooms that are provided because he feels like everyone knows what he is doing and there is too much pressure to perform. He was already stressed out about performing. I had to fluff his ego. So instead, he decided to perform in one of the bathrooms inside the office building. (He would SO kill me for telling everyone this. I say, what the hell, there is no privacy left in this fucking process.) The bad part was that all the public restrooms in the building were “one-seaters” so I had to stand guard outside the door to wait for him. About 5 minutes into the process, while typing on my blackberry, I feel a hand on my arm. It’s my RE, Dr.S. He looks at me and says “hello, how are you?” and I meekly say “hello, fine” and he looks at the bathroom door and says “are you waiting on sperm?” and I shake my head yes. He smiles and walks away.
Humiliating. I mean, this is part of the process but it’s just so sad and humiliating. My husband is eeking out the swimmers that might be our baby in a public restroom (so terrible!) and my RE busts us.
So we then go upstairs, I change into my surgical gown and paper booties ( I thought of you Kari!) and we wait. And wait. And wait. I was really happy my RE was the surgeon on-duty today. At one point in the surgery bay I heard him tell the MD student that was working with him: In bay 2 is Michelle. She’s actually one of my patients. She has severe Endo. That made me sad too. Here it is, I’m being referred to as someone who is defective because of my Endo. I dunno, maybe I’m overly sensitive but I didn’t need to hear that.
At approx. 11:30 the anesthesiologist comes to get me, has me go pee, and leads me into the surgical room. I sit down, schooch down to the end of the bed and put my feet into those crazy surgical stirrups and the next thing I know I’m waking up in recovery 30 minutes later. I look around for the Mr. and he’s not there yet – they haven’t brought him back in.
My RE, Dr.S is there. He says to me: We got 13 eggs. There was some brown fluid around your right ovary where your Endo. was. I’m not sure if the Endo is back. I”m going to prescribe you another antibiotic and we’ll see how this ET goes in a few days.
He then leaves the surgical bay and I start crying. Hysterically crying.
All I could think about was my Endo is back. My Endo surgeon at Duke told me that I had 6 months. A quick calculation told me that ironically, today, is exactly 6 months.
After I was a bit more coherent and Matt was in the room, the nurses and my RE came back to check on me. I was still crying. My RE asked if I was okay and I just said Endo?
He then started to downplay everything in an attempt to calm me down. I guess crying patients in an open bay where everyone can see them isn’t good for business.
“Let’s take this one day at a time. Let’s get you pregnant now and not worry about it.” and my absolute least favorite assvice comment “your Endo will be cured once you are pregnant.”
No. It Fucking.Won’t.
That is such an old-school way of thought. You Endo sisters know what I’m talking about, right?
Fucking Endo. Fucking g@d damn Endo. It’s back. I can’t believe it. It’s back. On rightie - my best performer. It’s my best ovary. Leftie gave us fucking 3 eggs. Rightie gave us 10. I can’t loose rightie.
And now, for a little woe is me about my egg counts. I know that I shouldn’t complain about this but damn it, it’s my body and it’s my blog and I need to get it out. My sincrest apologies to my very favorite bloggy friends who will read this and say you bitch, be grateful for your eggs and shut up.
13 fucking eggs?
I’m 29 yrs. old. It’s a low number. I know that I should be grateful for every single eggie but c’mon? Let’s call this what it is … a low number for someone my age. And I know, I know, it’s all about quality. I’m praying right this very minute that we have quality eggies with leftovers to freeze. I NEED totsicles. We’ve paid way too much money to ever be able to afford to do this again. If it works, we need totscicles. That is probably why I’m so hung up on the number. Actually, that is definitely why I’m hung up on the numer. If insurance covered this I wouldn’t give a flying fuck about how many eggies they got as long as I got pregnant and could do this again for FREE. But I can’t I have to pay another $20k if I want another baby and I don’t have totsicles.
Maybe I’m just overly emotional because of the anesthesia. I hurt right now. More vicodin please.
…. and my Endo is back.
I’m totally devastated.
At 11:30pm EST last night my black.berry alarm went off and all I could think is what the hell? until I realized that it was time to get up. Apparently I wasn’t thinking properly in my sleep and Tylenol PM induced haze.
The Mr. jumped out of bed like he’d been shot by a cannon and we both walked, half asleep, downstairs into our dining room table …a.k.a, makeshift pharmacy. I sat and sleepily mixed the HCG and measured and re-measured the 2units of mixing solution before injecting it into the powder. As I sat and rolled the powder vial in my hands, I was reflecting on the past 19 months and how we’ve gotten to this place. How was it that I was about to trigger for my first IVF cycle? It didn’t seem real.
As soon as the HCG was drawn in the syringe I handed it to the Mr. to hold with strict instructions to not set it down and create any air bubbles. With the Mr. standing next to me, I heated up a clean wet dishtowel in the microwave so that I could have a warm compress post-injection.
After stalling for another 2-3 minutes the clock finally arrived at 11:44pm and so I knew the jig was up – time to do this! I hiked up my shirt, ironically a kelly green shirt with shamrocks on it, and then pulled down my undies ever so slightly to expose my backside. The Mr. asked “how do you want it?” as I bent over the dining room table. If anyone else had been present at this middle of the night rendezvous, they might have thought this was the beginning of some raunchy po.rn scene.
Instead, what happened was a 22 g 1 1/2 in needle plunged into my upper buttox/hip area and surprisingly, it hurt very little. The Mr. took an agonizingly long time to push the liquid in my body and I was standing there, pigeon toed, for what felt like forever.
Finally, he withdrew the needle and said “all done!” and a huge sense of relief washed over me. Thank god. The last shot for (hopefully) a very long time. I sat with the warm dishtowel-made-compress on my behind for about 5 minutes before I attempted to walk back upstairs and fall asleep. When I removed the towel and sat it on the kitchen granite, I noticed a big, bright red blood stain.
Well that towel is ruined I thought, quickly realizing that it was a wedding gift over 11 years ago from my deceased Grandmother. Grandma would be happy she had a hand in this process.
So here we are today. The “off-day” pre ER. I’m busy planning my last meal for breakfast which will need to be before 4:45am tomorrow. There are also plans to vacuum out the car so that I have a place to lay down post ER on the 3 hr. car ride home.
It’s all happening. It’s all so real now.
Someone please pinch me – I’ll be PUPO by this time next week!
Oh.My.Gawd. It’s finally happening.
I’m triggering – TONIGHT!!! at 11:45pm!
Holy hell!
This is going to happen. Finally happen!!!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
E2 is 2,609.
I don’t have my follie counts. I purposly asked to not be told. But I do know we have “7″ supposed mature follies.
I let the Mr. give me the 3 shots last night and my Ganirelix shot this afternoon. He’s now got 4 shots under his belt. I hope he can manage the IM trigger. He nearly cried after shot #1 last night … he had big weepy eyes and kept saying “I don’t want to hurt you!”
I’m like “just stick the fucking needle in already! Let’s get this over with!”
Please oh please dear infertility gods, let this work.
No trigger for me. I’m a little (well, let’s be honest here, more like a lot) disappointed that I’m not triggering tonight. The nurses and the sonographer this morning made it sound like it was a sure thing that I would be tonight. I even got my trigger instructions package and the specimen cup.
I’ve planned my whole day around triggering … I was just SO sure it was going to happen tonight.And then, just like that, at 3pm EST the plan changed.
The nurse called me and said “no, you’re not ready. Let me give you your dosing instructions for tonight.” Seriously, I want to cry!
I’m SO done with dosing.
I’m SO done with blood-draws!
I don’t want to go back in tomorrow for the 5th day in a row and then wait ALL day for a phone call to tell me that I can’t trigger!!!!
This is emotionally brutal. It really is. I’m tired, uncomfortable, irritable, hormonal and just DONE! Someone please tell me that this is what it is like at the last stage of IVF because it’s no longer exciting anymore. I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay as calm as I’ve been. It’s gut wrenching and nerve-wracking. I’ve turned into an emotional basket case with a constant headache. Plus I’m a hormonal bitch.
Here are my #’s for today’s blood and ultrasound.
E2 – 2,115 – up from 1,674 yesterday.
My mature follie counts: 20.7, 20, 19 on the Left and 18, 17 & (2) 16 on the Right. I also have a 15, (2) 14 and a 13.
I lost one of my bigger follies on the Left that was there on Friday. He was “sacrificed” for the good of the rest of the team. The nurse that called me tonight said I have “5 Mature” follies to work with.
Dosing is going back down to the 75IU of Menopur tonight and 150 Gonal-F along with the Ganirelix ( I know I keep spelling that stupid med wrong, I cannot, for the life of me, remember how to spell it properly.)
Sorry I’m so down in the dumps girls. I’m just really, really tired. Actually, exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend thinking I would trigger tonight and now no such dice. It now “looks” like the trigger will be tomorrow night and the ER will be on Wednesday. I now have to find a way to eloquently back out of the biggest health fair of the season on Wednesday for my largest client. The Mr. has a huge project at his work that starts on Wednesday to which he is the team-lead. He said his boss will “deal” with him taking the day off but it won’t look good. I feel bad for him. He’s taking this one for the team but it just sucks big-time that IF, once again, rules my world.
Quick update for Stim day 8 – Monitoring check #4
Went in this morning for the 3rd day in a row and it looks like things are really poppin’ in there! I didn’t get follie counts / sizes but I do know that I have 8 that are 18(+). I’m waiting o the call for my E2 but the sonographer said “I can assure you that you’ve had quite the rise between yesterday and today. Your ovaries have exploded overnight!” and so, here we are.
I’m being told I might trigger tomorrow !!!!! and that would make the ER on Tuesday. I’ll go back in again tomorrow morning to verify my LH and E2.
One thing that is making me nervous right now. I have enormous amounts of EWCM and I wonder if I’m starting to gear up to O on my own! They haven’t drawn an LH yet but I just worry that we’ll miss everything.
So for you IVF veterans – if you haven’t had any type of antagon prior to trigger, did you notice EWCM?
UPDATE: Just spoke with the weekend nurse and we are keeping the 150 Gonal-F and increasing the Menopur to 150 as well as adding in the Ganarelix shot. They’ll also draw a progesterone and LH in tomorrow’s blood draw. The weekend RE (Dr. Os.born) seems to think I’ll have 2 more days before trigger. So that would mean trigger on Monday for an ER on Wednesday. Shoot. I have a health fair on Wednesday that it’s looking like I’m going to miss. Better call my client first thing on Monday morning!
Well at least it didn’t take me 4 hours to get to the RE’s this morning!
A quick stim day 7 update! Ultrasound showed that I have a total of (17) follies between the two ovaries. I have (10) follies that are greater than 10mm. My nurse was in such a rush that I didn’t get the breakdown of what was where. I do know that a lead follie took over on the left ovary and was at 18mm. Strange because the biggest that I had yesterday was at 11mm. I didn’t know that they could grow that fast!?!!
My E2 didn’t double (thank god!) and was at 1,074. My dosage is staying the same – 150iu Gonal and the 1 vial Menopur. We’re not adding in the Ganerelix.
The plan is to go back again tomorrow (ugh! 3 days in a row!) and then maybe I’ll have a better idea of when we are possibly triggering. I’m hoping for a Monday/Tuesday trigger. I have a feeling it’ll be Tuesday but that’s just my gut and it’s based on the fact that when I did an injects cycle I stimmed for 10 days.
In the “how I feel” category, I am super tired and icky feeling. Plus – I AM SO FAT! right now. Ugh. This sucks!
I told my boss that I was doing IVF today. This was a really weird conversation because I had to do it over the phone (I only see my boss a few times a year) but he was totally cool and even made a point to tell me that family comes first and that he’ll be thinking about me. My boss just got married in June but he shared with me that his wife has had 2 miscarriages since their honeymoon. He even asked my advice on what they should do because he felt that their OB/GYN was not giving them much info. I told him to go see a Peri or a RE and that their time and emotions were worth the efforts of investigating the cause further.
So that is my update. I’m just coasting along now … hangin’ out. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Today was stim day 6 and my second monitoring appointment. It started off with a slosh.
We’ve had 2 straight days of no-stop rain up here in the North East. Whenever we have rain, we have flooding – lots of it. So much so that parts of I-95 northbound en route to my RE’s this morning were rendered to one lane. It took 4 hours to make it to my appointment this morning and I nearly missed the courier to the main office lab.
But I made it, thank goodness. I thought I might have a heart attack in the car while sitting in the mess.
It’s funny, but I’ve done a complete 180 in terms of how I feel compared to yesterday. Late last night, about 4 hours after my injections, I started feeling a lot of pressure and overall weird feelings in my ovaries. It was only slightly uncomfortable.
This morning I wake up to a very sore abdomen and very tender feelings in my ovaries. The car ride to the RE was interesting. For the life of me I can’t get comfortable. There is pressure in my stomach no matter which way I sit!
The Sonographer and my nurse were both in the room when they started the ultrasound. Before she inserted the probe, the sonographer asked if I was feeling anything and I told her yes, very much so. As soon as the picture of my ovaries came up on the screen the sonagrapher said “Woah!” and I knew that what I’ve been feeling was just confirmed. She excused herself for a minute and then re-appeared with my RE, Dr.S. He took a peek on the screen and then tapped me on the foot and announced “you have a lot going on in there right now. How are you feeling?” I just laughed and said “I’m feeling it!” and he left the room and said they would call me in the afternoon with further instructions from my E2 levels.
So without further adieu – I had (10) follies on my right and (5) on my left. My E2 is: 792! All of the follies are right around 11-13mm on the right and the ones on the left are around 11mm. No wonder that right side hurts! Overall though, my nurse and RE said the follies look good. Really good. Now they’re just concerned about my E2.
I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you all that I’m worried about OHSS. I physically hurt right now and this is only stim day 6.
My dosage for my meds has changed to 150 Gonal-F and still the 75iu of Menopur.
They would like me to come back in tomorrow to make sure that my E2 isn’t doubling. I should also find out tomorrow if we’ll add in the Ganerelix. The RE said I’m going “fast” and he’s trying to make find a balance to slow me down.
One more noticeable thing is that I feel very foggy-brained. I have a hard time concentrating and I’m very sleepy. My nurse noticed that I was having a hard time stringing together a sentence and said “you already have pregnancy brain! Must be from all that Estrogen!” and man, I can totally tell. I’m not fully here right now. Even writing this post has been a challenge because I’m having one hell of a time focusing.
Ok ladies, that’s the IVF update for now. I’m going to lay in bed with a heating pad and take a few tylenol.
